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Orgasm is a powerful reinforcer of behavior for both sexes. Looking good can start to look like love, whether the person is really appropriate or not.You might start convincing yourself that with you, he’ll be different; that a couple of people who share such a powerful connection are meant for each other. Another reason is biological: Both men and women release , the hormone and neurotransmitter, during orgasm. Where men seem to be engineered to sow their “wild oats,” women have, at least historically, been focused on finding a stable mate and settling down to the business of making a family.And he actually knows me better than a lot of my partners ever did.

It was while planning this vacation that it hit me: The two longest relationships of my life have both been with men who I was never officially dating.

Men who had sex before marriage were seen as “scoring.” Then came the ’60s, birth control, and sexual liberation. There are many places and cultures in the world that place high value on female virginity.

If you were raised with such values, they may well argue with the part of you that wants to explore your sexuality freely and with no strings attached.

Boyfriends and girlfriends have come and gone, but my friends with benefits have stood the test of time. That’s longer than I predict my first marriage will last.

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And while I can’t imagine being with my Cuba date “for real”—I mean, he’s a low-key homeless anarchist who once took me on date to his Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous meeting; there are red flags—I still value our relationship immensely.

Or at least, without getting super-jealous and –esque?

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